Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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