When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Randomize
