just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
