I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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