Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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