So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
