I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
