so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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