I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
