Im at strip club and am horny
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
