she looked like the before picture.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
