last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
