Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
