Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
