so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
