I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
