When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
