I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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