My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
