FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
