Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
