woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
