ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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