Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
ok first of all what the fuck
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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