i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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