He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
