brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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