I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
