He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
