Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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