I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
