Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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