Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
