He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
