me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
