I'm so fucking centered right now
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
