even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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