Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
