Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
