batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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