my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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