Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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