When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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