Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
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