is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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