I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
