she woke up with a sticky ear
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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