I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
