Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
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