i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
If I die, sorry about rent.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
