chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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